Ward to Word.

Venturing through the intricacies of Mental Health challenges and self doubt, I found myself on crossroads grappling with the complexities of depression and anxiety yet amidst the chaos a beacon of hope emerged – The pursuit of hope and personal development. This journey has been quite it. A tale of resilience and transformation.

Initially, checking myself into a Psychiatric Hospital (occasionally) was a daunting task yet necessary. Years of self reflection made me realize that true growth lies in embracing opportunities for Learning and Self improvement.

Picture this: Me navigating through the complexities of remote learning and full-time physical classes in 2022 while juggling the intricacies of adulting also “anhedonia” (a fancy term of joylessness) was so there. A decision that was spurred by scholarship opportunity that a friend encouraged me to apply was made. “Just apply these things, You never know!” She said- This is nothing I had experience on, well, googling & another dear Friend encouraged me that the course was marketable then wherever she was and it’s nothing I can’t do! A leap of faith. I applied and got in. It was tasking. Back to books! Not me reading some good fan-fiction but academics. Concentration that I didn’t know I had (a struggle). My family also came through at the same time to sponsor a short intensive course to upgrade a skill I had. My life changed drastically from my day to day hustles to pay my bills through my small business to a Full time Student and a hustler. Not that “hustler” Kenyans know of but fueled by my baking passion to making small small monies to navigate through.

Considering we were coming out of COVID 19 times, curfews and what not, here I was attending a full-time intensive class online that demanded at least 40 Hrs a week and a physical class that I had to attend daily on weekdays for like 4 months. Interestingly I finished them all at almost the same time and I recall graduating on my birthday that year. That was my first step to daring myself to become the audacious girl I was back then. It took a village (my whole journey has) of very close friends and family who checked me into the Psychiatric Hospital back then when I had my episodes, withstanding my Lows of Lows, praying and being there for me financially & physically to uplift me. This same lot gassed me up to go back to school and just start. “Just start!” Believe me. The universe has an interesting way of rewarding you when you manifest and you are in that moment. I wanted to be back on my feet so bad! You know, everything working out for my good and wellness. “See God!” There’s this quote from the wonderful words of life that my fellow chorister friends and I smirk about all the time we recite it, “… is there anything to marvelous for the Lord to do?” The rest is history as my previous blogposts highlight but mostly Embracing the Remote Odyssey: Unmasking Workplace Struggles . That career path facilitated by the opportunities I got marked a pivotal moment in my journey towards self actualization fueled by unwavering support of my support system. I embraced the challenges of Academia and riggers of full-time employment with determination quite recently on the last quarter of 2023.

I received a random email one morning in October 2023 there was this course being advertised, just my usual sharing with my close friends, three of them were like “OMG yes! Please do this! It suits you very well”. I read that flyer and felt it in my bones that that’s where I’d like to see myself having grasped all that knowledge putting it into practice and bagging every opportunity that comes with it. I was a bit rattled as it wasn’t cheap either and where was this money going to come from? The time? So in short I didn’t have a life again once again. It is very interesting how I am always very busy like 6days a week despite my marital status and childlessness 💀… My girl was like “start” and just like that upon being accepted I got a payment plan that suited me to pay for my Tuition fees and started this journey. On my first day I was very sick! I was rushed to hospital literally some few days before it. It turned out I had H-pylori and let me tell you it is the pits! And the meds are very strong and made me even sicker! So here I was thinking will I make it for my first class on a Monday or as we had an option to join remotely I join? Oooh I got some small strength forcing myself to hydrate and hydrate a lot through my dietary restrictions and attended my first class physically.

There is something about walking into that school that gave me hope and nudged me to continue in my path for knowledge. I was reminded of the first time I ever walked into University when I was 19 and was like wow! It is like I relived this moment again. Also believe me I remember my mama helping me dress up in uniform as I joined “Pre-unit” (my first time in full school uniform). She was there showing me how to wear my socks as she gave me a cute little teddy bear backpack that was purple and very light, carrying a small Fanta juicebox (they used to exist) and a small lunchbox for my snack break. This was my “go out into the world moment and be whatever you dare to be moment” … Life! Here I am taking it as it comes and biting what I can chew considering my ups and downs. I had a very good experience in this recent class and course that I was studying. I loved every bit of it despite the usual adulting fatigue. I recall Sharing bits of what I learned with my bestie and she encouraged me a lot and was also very excited for me too…it might not be a big deal to you but look who just graduated? Yes! I will always celebrate my “small” wins in this life! Best believe. My last day in that class with my classmates having a campus tour before our last project presentations made me reflect. Interestingly on my graduation day I really struggled with a sore throat and I lost my voice during my presentation but I made it through. It is the knowledge, the networking and the experience that made me enthusiastic. After the brief award ceremony we had some very nice dinner with the faculty and my classmates. (Such a posh school lol) at this point if it is advancing facility wise or education wise am spoilt 🙈. The more motivation for me to work harder and smarter to afford these opportunities.

Here I am journaling as I remove my makeup that made me look very glam with thanks to one of my people. (Picture that powerful scene where Annalise Keating – Viola Davis on “How to get away with murder” removes her makeup infront of the mirror after a long hard day); for once I am removing that mask from my face and I like what I see. There was no masking anything this time. No sadness, despair, weariness, or dullness, just Me. Me with normal daily adulting stuff, little anxieties here and there but I’m proud of what I’m seeing in that mirror… “See God”.

As I continue to navigate the winding road ahead, I do so with a renewed sense of gratitude and optimism. For in the pursuit of knowledge and self-discovery, I have unearthed the courage to embrace my true potential. So here’s to growth and the beautiful messiness of life. May we all find the courage to embrace our journey. And remember, no matter how challenging the road may seem, “insert some Makmende SuperHero pose moment” that will refuel you or give you that “Glucose licking moment” that we all need.

“Alexa! Play Picture me rollin by Tupac Shakur”

#littlewins #Growth #mentalhealth #Ngumbaru #coping #graduation #manifestations #keepingon

Embracing the Remote Odyssey: Unmasking Workplace Struggles

It’s been a while since I poured out my thoughts on this digital canvas, and today I’m diving deep into a topic that’s near and dear to my heart: navigating the waters of remote work while juggling the invisible struggles.

Picture this: you’re cozily ensconced in your remote workspace, embracing the freedom to manage your time and sneak in those much-needed self-care breaks. Working remotely feels like a dream, right? Oh, but life has a way of throwing curve balls, and here’s where the adventure begins.

Let’s start with the saga of the infamous Slack notification sound. You know, that little ping that can instantly send shivers down your spine? I found myself wading into uncharted territory, facing something I never thought I’d encounter – “text anxiety.” Yes, it’s a real thing! Who knew that someone oceans away could trigger an avalanche of anxious thoughts with a single message? The irony is almost poetic: a person I’ve never met physically managed to make my heart race, even while they’re chilling on the other side of the Atlantic. I mean, come on, how can you not chuckle at the sheer absurdity of it?

Now, let’s talk about a digital detox that turned into an unexpected blessing. Four years without WhatsApp – sounds like a Herculean task, right? But you’d be surprised how liberating it is to escape the constant digital hum. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a social butterfly through and through, but that app used to leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed. The pressure to be perpetually responsive in both social and work circles took a toll on my mental well-being. It’s like a paradox of connection – the very tools meant to bring us closer sometimes push us farther from ourselves. Cutting ties with WhatsApp was like cutting loose a weight I didn’t even know was dragging me down. Talk about a breath of fresh air!

Ah, now let me introduce you to my “across-the-Atlantic” nemesis – the micromanaging boss. Remote work might seem like an escape from office politics, but oh boy, distance is no deterrent for a controlling presence. It’s somewhat unbelievable that someone you’ve never met in person can have such a hold over your work life. Ever had your language skills questioned? Yep, I’ve been there. It got to the point where even typing my name or anything felt like an insurmountable task during live sessions. Can you imagine freezing up just because you’re trying to type your own name or what you know? Startups. CEOs often double up as the finance department, Administrative, Human resource department and navigating those waters is a feat in itself. (this particular startup = the founders and CEOs are everything! including trainers. Bosses, sometimes “friends” & Human resource). Where do you raise a concern about your boss? to the same boss? then the same boss wears the HR cap and deals with you in a “not very biased way”. My boss then (as I was later reminded; contrary to the open work environment policy they thought they are promoting) was the micromanaging type. She is a good trainer but very controlling and things had to be done her way. She’d act like she is accommodating (as i later found out) and would listen to you but eventually it was her way. I had to muster up the courage to send an email explaining my anxiety-induced communication struggles. After mailing my grievances openly regarding our work communication highlighting how I experience a bit of anxiety responding to work messages especially hers’ because I was feeling some sort of pressure from her; I also assured her that I was fully committed to our work and valued our professional relationship and would have appreciated some patience and understanding – She chose to handle this with a zoom call the next day and started off well by stating she was very sorry for what I was going through, however my anxiety issue could be from somewhere else or some trauma I am living with or something else which is not triggered by her. She invalidated my feelings and openness and used it against me to say that my communication skills are poor and questioned my deliverables. Anyway, I could go on and on but that was that, I learned and gained and grew from my experience working with them…

My friend’s words hit me like a ton of bricks just the other day – “Wait, you’re telling me people working remotely deal with this too? I thought this was a corporate office thing, a present working from the office thing…” Cue a mix of laughter and contemplation. Because here’s the kicker: remote work might shield you from water cooler politics, but it can’t protect you from a toxic environment. No matter where you are, toxic traits have a knack for seeping in. Some of the things to look out to know what toxicity is in a remote workplace is things like; Poor communication between employees and management, an increased level of burnout, micromanagement, leadership disengagement, an increase in unresolved issues etc.

So, how do we combat these remote toxins? Let’s dive into some strategies, and trust me, these are lessons etched in experience:

Be Proactive: Don’t wait for issues to blow up. Address them head-on, even if it takes stepping out of your comfort zone.

Solutions, Solutions: Communication breaking down? Offer solutions. Be the bridge that helps improve interactions.

Boundaries are Bliss: Remote work often blurs lines between work and personal life. Draw your boundaries with a bold marker – your mental health will thank you.

Autonomy with Accountability:Striking the balance between accountability and micromanagement is a tightrope act. Show your dedication without sacrificing your independence.

Admitting Limits is Strength: Recognize when you’re in a battle you can’t fight alone. Embrace the courage to seek greener pastures when a toxic environment refuses to change.

As I find myself on a small break, catching my breath before diving back into the search for those promising part-time gigs, I’m reminded that the journey is far from over. Coping with bipolar disorder and anxiety while traversing the remote work landscape has been a roller-coaster ride of unexpected moments, personal growth, and, of course, some downright hilarious anecdotes.

Remember, life throws us curve balls, but we’ve got the resilience to bat them away with a grin. Until next time, take care, stay strong, and keep embracing the quirks of this beautifully chaotic journey.

Finding Light in the Cosmos

What seemed to be the longest month is ending, I mean May has been one wild ride! So much has happened, it’s like cramming an entire year’s worth of events into 31 days. But here’s the weird part:when you finally hit the pillow and close your eyes, time suddenly sprouts wings.It’s like the universe has a secret pact with your sleep to fast-forward the night while giving your daytime a slow-motion makeover. May, you sneaky little time traveler, I’m onto your tricks! Oh, May, you sly fox! Not only have you been longer than a marathon run, but you also had the audacity to be Mental Health Awareness Month.Talk about adding an extra layer of emotional roller-coaster to the mix! But fear not, my fellow warriors of sanity, for today marks the last day of this mental health marathon. It’s like the universe knew we needed a dramatic finish, wrapping it up with a blog post from yours truly.May, you may have tested our patience, but we’re ending on a high note, armed with laughter and the promise of a fresh start in June.

Depression is an arduous battle, one that often feels like being trapped in a void of darkness. Yet, sometimes unexpected sources of inspiration can illuminate our path to recovery. It can cast a long shadow over our lives, making it difficult to find joy or lightness amidst the darkness. However, sometimes a single spark has the power to ignite a flame of hope within us. For me, that flame emerged from an unexpected source. As a Cinephile,I have discovered a therapeutic haven, where the flickering lights of the silver screen offer respite from the turbulence of my own mind. Films transport me to different worlds, captivating my senses and transporting me beyond the constraints of my daily struggles. Whether it’s immersing myself in a heartwarming comedy that elicits genuine laughter or delving into a thought-provoking drama that mirrors the depths of my emotions, the power of storytelling allows me to temporarily step outside my own reality. As I watch characters grapple with their own challenges, triumph over adversity, and navigate the complexities of life, I find solace in the realization that my own battles are not isolated but part of a universal human experience.Through the art of cinema, I find validation, empathy, and a cathartic release that helps me process and make sense of my own turbulent emotions. Whether I’m seeking inspiration, comfort, or a momentary escape, being a cinephile has become an essential pillar of my coping mechanism, empowering me to navigate the ups and downs.

Discovering the Power of Unexpected Connections:
“Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 1” introduces us to a group of misfits who find themselves thrown together by circumstance. Despite their differences, they learn to work together and form an unbreakable bond.This Marvel superhero film became more than just a form of entertainment; it became a lifeline, offering lessons and perspectives that helped me navigate through the darkest moments of my depressive episodes in 2018 – 2019.The characters in “Guardians of the Galaxy” are far from perfect. They have quirks, flaws, and checkered pasts. Yet, rather than hiding these imperfections, they embrace them, finding strength in their uniqueness. As someone struggling with depression, this message resonated deeply with me. It taught me that I didn’t have to conform to societal expectations or be flawless to be deserving of love and acceptance. Accepting my own imperfections became a crucial step towards self-compassion and healing. The soundtracks of the “Guardians of the Galaxy” movies are nothing short of iconic. Volume 1 and Volume 2 introduced me to a treasure trove of classic songs from the ’70s and ’80s. These musical gems not only served as a backdrop to the adventures of the Guardians but also became a soundtrack to my own journey. The songs evoked a sense of nostalgia, reminding me of happier times and allowing me to reconnect with the person I used to be. In the depths of depression, the music acted as a healing balm, soothing my troubled soul and helping me find solace in the melodies.

As the story of the Guardians unfolded, I found myself drawn to the characters on a deeply personal level. Their struggles with identity, loss, and redemption mirrored my own internal battles. Their emotional journeys became a source of comfort and inspiration, reminding me that I was not alone in my pain. Through their triumphs and heartbreaks, I witnessed the strength and resilience that can emerge from even the darkest corners of our lives. The Guardians’ story offered me a profound sense of hope and reminded me that every ending is also a new beginning. I love love the quirky and lovable characters from “Guardians of the Galaxy,” especially Rocket Raccoon. His sarcastic wit and snarky remarks never fail to crack me up. And let’s not forget about Groot—those three little words, “I am Groot,” have become more than just a catchphrase in my life (IYKYK).

Vol 3 of the Guardians of the galaxy movies was released on May 5th. I found myself on the precipice of an emotional roller coaster. The anticipation of bidding farewell to these beloved characters filled me with a mix of sadness and gratitude. It’s a testament to the impact this series has had on my life. Took myself for a movie date a few days later as I was tired of dodging spoilers online. As I watched the final chapter unfold, I knew that the emotions would be intense and poignant. Yet, I am grateful for the opportunity to witness the culmination of this journey, understanding that every ending brings closure and the possibility for new beginnings.Volume 3 marks the end of an era, I’m filled with gratitude for the impact this extraordinary series has had on my life. It has shown me that even in the face of darkness, laughter, music, and relatable stories can guide us back to the light. (This is not a spoiler post by the way, keep reading, I hate spoilers too.)

One pivotal moment in my journey with “Guardians of the Galaxy” came during the highly anticipated Volume 3 movie. As the story unfolded and emotions ran high, there was a scene that left me breathless., The opening notes of “The Dog Days Are Over” by Florence and the Machine filled the theater, engulfing the entire space with its powerful melody. Tears welled up in my eyes as I recognized the significance of this song in my own life.”The Dog Days Are Over” had become an anthem for me—a reminder that despite the darkness and pain, there is always the potential for a new beginning, a fresh start. The lyrics resonated deeply within me, echoing my own yearning for liberation from the shackles of depression. To me this song is about embracing things that you used to be scared of. Like looking yourself in the mirror and not feeling sad. This is a song that captures the essence of Hope, freedom & liberation. In that moment, the combination of the evocative visuals, the raw emotions portrayed on screen, and the soul-stirring sound of “The Dog Days Are Over” became overwhelming. It felt as though the universe had conspired to send me a message of hope and encouragement through this carefully chosen soundtrack. The tears that streamed down my face were a mix of release, catharsis, and a deep understanding that, just like the Guardians, I too had the strength to rise above my own battles and embrace a brighter future. (Look who’s finally made a major career shift this very May and bagged what I have been manifesting for years? – Still emotional typing this!)

As the final moments of “Guardians of the Galaxy” Volume 3 played out on the big screen, there was a sense of bittersweet anticipation in the air. The movie had taken us on an emotional roller coaster, and now it was time for the grand finale. And then, as if on cue, the opening notes of “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone began to fill the theater. For any fan of the Guardians, this song held a special place in our hearts. It was the song that Star-Lord, our beloved protagonist, danced to in the opening scenes of the first “Guardians of the Galaxy” movie. It had become an iconic moment, encapsulating the spirit of the Guardians and setting the tone for the entire franchise.Something magical happened. People in the cinema, strangers brought together by a shared love for this series, began to sing. Voices joined in unison, lyrics escaping from lips in a wave of nostalgia and emotion. It was a moment of collective connection, where the barriers of individuality dissolved, and we became one united choir.Tears welled up in my eyes as I too choked on the lyrics, trying to sing along. It was as if the weight of all the emotions, the journey of the Guardians and my personal journey, found their release in that single song. It felt like a culmination of the entire cinematic experience, a tribute to the characters we had grown to love and the impact they had on our lives.In that moment, we were not just passive viewers; we were active participants, fully immersed in the world that had become so dear to us.

As I sit here on the last day of May, reflecting on the journey that “Guardians of the Galaxy” and Mental Health Awareness Month have taken me on, my heart swells with gratitude and hope. The final installment of this beloved franchise, Volume 3, marks the end of an era, but its impact on my life will forever endure. Through the cosmic adventures and relatable struggles of the Guardians, I found solace and laughter in the midst of my darkest days.The characters became beacons of strength and resilience, guiding me through my own battles. They showed me that it’s okay to be flawed, that it’s in our vulnerabilities that we find our true power. This journey has taught me that it’s okay to reach out, to share our experiences and find solace in a community that understands. We are not alone in our battles. And as the curtain falls on this extraordinary saga, I carry with me a renewed sense of resilience, hope, and the knowledge that the lessons learned from the Guardians will continue to guide me on my own quest for healing.So, here’s to the cosmic odyssey that was “Guardians of the Galaxy,” the month of May that raised awareness for mental health, and the collective strength I have cultivated as a person throughout this month. As the credits roll, let us remember that our own journeys are still unfolding, and there is infinite possibility for growth, healing, and transformation.Thank you, “Guardians of the Galaxy,” for being my guiding star, and thank you James Gunn, for giving us this epic cosmic adventure! 🚀💫.

As Mental Health Awareness Month comes to a close, let us carry its spirit forward. May we continue to uplift, support, and advocate for one another. Remember, your mental health matters, and together, we can create a world where compassion and understanding prevail. Let us forge ahead, breaking down barriers, and embracing a future where mental health is prioritized, celebrated, and treated with the utmost care.

“We are Groot”

2021 introspection…

My December really Decembered! So after Decembering a good one, on the last day of 2021 my enthusiasm was ebbing away. This was sort of drastic but not in an alarming way considering how I showed up for brunch with one of my girls around noon… The subconscious mind. Okay, apart from homeostatic impulse (which regulates functions like your body temperature, heartbeat & breathing) your brain is also built to regulate your mental self. Your mind is constantly filtering and bringing to your attention information and stimuli that affirms your pre existing beliefs. It as well presents you repeated thoughts and impulses that mimic and mirror what you have done in the past. It is said that your subconscious mind is the gatekeeper of your comfort zone. It is also “the realm in which you can either habituate yourself to expect and routinely seek the actions that would build and reinforce the greatest Success, happiness, wholeness or HEALING of your life.”

What I’m saying after that brief Psych 101 class is I’m normally very mellow or so chilled out, ruminating at some point on the last day of the year. Maybe it has something to do with my departed dad’s birthday and memories of what was/ could be or simply because I journal reflecting on the ending year as I gauge my progress. After an eventful, climactic last days of Decembering, I didn’t have my Diary/ notebook – Somewhere to scribble my thoughts down as I mellowed down on that day. So this post should have come sooner! I literally write all these down before typing. It’s just my thing despite “easier” suggestions. My bestie commented recently that my handwriting hasn’t changed either! (Be with people who can notice your handwriting by the way 🙃) The Mess that comes with writing rough drafts is all I’m here for mostly! It’s me telling myself the story first.

After small meetings with myself, it turns out 2021 was a Groundhog Day of 2020. Lockdowns, COVID-19 related deaths and losses, the pandemic life was mostly it. Here in Kenya the nationwide curfew &was lifted in October after almost 2 years (that felt like a lifetime). My essential difference from the other year has to do with new experiences, lessons & Life! Just life! We made it through! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 My mental health management has not consumed me much the past year. Again, difficult times show us the real face of life and people. Referring to my Musings posts tradition on this blog here’s 2021…

1 doctor – same same one who has also been coming through for many people in need of psychiatric services through my recommendations and her practices. Shukran

2 Therapists – my very first Therapist made a comeback. The other one I had since 2019 checked in too occasionally.

1 country – I’m still stuck here guys! Let’s blame COVID 19 & brokenness.

0 -1 -0 – Jobs. ( I got a job & lost it after 4 days. A serious case of a toxic work environment & me urgently seeking medical attention after passing out there due to a physical health condition) so yes I’m still on the search.

1 move. – Now living with a sibling (Managing costs of living issues in a pandemic)

0 medicine changes

0 medication lapses

0 health insurance

4 official therapy sessions. The rest were mostly short raincheck calls.

0 psych ward admissions. (There’s this day I almost checked myself in but thanks to my therapist we realized I just needed to change environment and just rest. I slept for a continuous 36 Hours and I was back feeling better.)

Suicidal thoughts are not frequent. I guess I’m getting better now at coping with this. I can only recall once (when I almost checked myself in)

Less messed up relationships. Did away with toxic relationships. Mended some too.

Anhedonia. This was back at some point. No pressure though since I’m working on it. I also take tests for this occasionally to check where I’m at with depressive symptoms.

Business mojo – Despite the many challenges I’m still pushing myself. I started a small business in 2020 that is both full filling and therapeutic to me, it is still growing.

1 major episode (that I can count)… I “snapped out” of it soon enough to cop with it. Im happy that all the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) I’ve had has helped me a lot with this.

2 Major Social Media Breaks – like 2 months & a month off all my social media apps. Also I’m now 2 & a half years off WhatsApp. Yup! Unplugging comes through for me. Detoxing. Rebooting.

Heartbreaks are there. Also still single. Not like it’s a bad thing to be single but oh it can get lonely!

1 vacation – thanks to fam! Ok & small random mini ones.

Panic attacks – I can’t count. I got them periodically. They didn’t end up sparking something major at least. Still coping with these ones.

I started a Podcast! – Okay just random raw morning recordings that I shared with my social circle to test. This made me post here less since most content was there…

There’s something about writing your thoughts down, manifesting and believing. I’m happy about the resolutions I made towards my mental health (and other things) at a time like this. This bit has worked, here I am. 2022… •I will still maintain my relationship with my Doctor. •More Therapy sessions. • I hope to start my Degree in Clinical Psychology. (Anyone with sponsorship leads feel free to contact me ASAP) • Hustle harder • Start a food Vlog. • Get back to playing my Violin and possibly a trumpet. • consistency in Meditation. • Continue with my spiritual journey. • Host a winning Podcast on mindfulness.

Some life lessons I’m taking with me to 2022. •Health is Wealth. •Self care is still a priority, not a privilege. •Practice gratitude. •Find what matters to you. •Forgive yourself & Be kind to yourself. •Protect your energy, It’s a limited source.

Let this post bring You Hope as we Usher in 2022. Stay safe and well.

SuperHero Pose.

A long time coming post. Still squeezing by what feels like a long 2020 hangover hoping for a better year. Butt clenching experiences, living on the edge, bereavements, COVID 19… Well, as much as you’ve probably read this somewhere or heard of it , “just Breathe!” Pause now and take a breath… Inhale … in, then… out… another deep breath in, hold as you count 1, 2, 3 then exhale through your mouth slowly as you clear out your lungs… that’s about it! A practical coping technique that I add to my daily routine which enormously impacts how I feel. I know breathing is an annoying cliché at this point but the best way to calm anxiety really is to breathe deeply. When battling anxiety I do these breathing exercises repeatedly. This repeated exercise sends a message to the brain that everything is okay (or it will be soon) before long, your heart will slow its pace and you will begin to relax – sometimes without even realizing it.

Well if only life was as “easy” as taking these breaths and basking in the short time bliss that comes with the calm after, but well, it goes on and we can do absolutely nothing about it. Adulting, Bills!Bills! Bills! We have to eat, move, take care of ourselves and our loved ones, show up, be there, condole, act right, beat a curfew, sanitize, wear masks, stay in, and Live! Referring to Musings 2020 post, my conditions are somewhat the same but something that I wanted so badly could have changed the game for the better recently…

I got an unexpected call from a dear friend who had referred me to someone who needed to shortlist some candidates for a job opening. She asked me to contact that company ASAP as she’d already briefed them about me and yes they were interested. So I went ahead and called like almost immediately. I was out of town for a relative’s funeral so the interview was scheduled for the following Monday. An interview! Just like that amidst all these! I mean we always apply and apply for jobs and now I’m used to no replies; even a “Thanks we’ve received your application, you are not qualified or next time we’ll consider you” kind of responses or whatever. An interview! Okay, I contained myself and was like let me just pray about it and see how it goes.

It’s on Monday and I’m back in the city looking forward to 1pm to get this over and done with, but look who’s throwing up? An irritated gut; throwing up and diarrhea are also symptoms of anxiety, let me tell you this wasn’t it! It was that time of the month. I am an EndoWarrior too (look up Endometriosis). I had a bad morning. I was throwing up, full time nausea, cramping, backaches and all,it really gets bad. There I was trying my best to get better, taking my usual meds but nothing seemed to work. Around 11am I buzz my girls and tell them of my situation, as usual they were concerned and were like “first, wooooow! But can you hack? Is it that bad?” At the same time super excited about the interview bit as they flooded my inbox with good vibes and tips to ace this thing. I felt their energy from a far and it gave me some morale. I decided to call “the company” and ask them if they could reschedule my interview as I wasn’t feeling well. This lady picks up and says “Just come! Make it here by 1pm please. The boss rarely comes over to the workstation and he’s on his way so let’s not waste him. Just do what you can but don’t let this opportunity pass you.”

Here I am so confused with less than 2 hours to the interview. To dress up, cover up my sickness, beat Nairobi traffic, print my CV & documents (By the way she insisted I show up with hard copies of my documents; like do we still print and handout things physically since COVID?) Thank heavens one of my girls was on phone with me almost the entire time helping me prepare at this point. (Such a darling! I don’t know what I’d do without those peng’tingz honestly). “Put on a skirt and an official top. At least one you won’t have to iron now, not too bright too (she knows I love colours and prints), Heels! Heels! Just subtle makeup to hide how sick you look, Lipstick! Ok but first chew some ginger to help with the nausea. Mask! Don’t forget to wear one, like now! Carry your heels in your carry bag,now just wear some flats. Girl? Have you requested an Uber? … Ok we don’t have time, request an Uber Boda (uber motorbikes) that will be faster to beat Nairobi traffic – she was also checking the traffic status on google. Hop on one like now! Leave! Remember to take your breath exercises on your way, say some prayers in between to calm you down, you got this!”

There I was on my way looking at my watch and poking the Rider to speed up as I took my breathing exercises and trying to pray at the same time. I made it! Just on time. I reported at the reception and quickly asked for the washroom, I dashed there to throw up. A few minutes later as I was freshening up that’s when now the nerves kicked in. Breathe… Breathe…

Mental Reframing- another technique that has been helping me cope. This is taking an emotion or stressor and thinking of it in a different way. Sure I was thinking then how much of a flop this all thing was going to go as I looked at my flushed self on the mirror. I couldn’t remember anything of what I had researched about “the company” and the job description. I was completely blank. “Wow! My life is horrible and I’m going to lose this opportunity because of my conditions… why is this happening to me?” After the breathe cycles I reframed those thoughts to “yes I’m unwell but I am here already. I will go ahead with this. What’s the worst already happened and I’m here!” You know, those words of affirmation. “I got this!” Etc… I wore my heels, stood in a Super hero pose for a like a minute, wore my mask, carried my handbag and walked out of there with my head high, smiling under the mask. (Guys! This superhero pose / stance kind of works. If you’ve tried it before let me know, or just try it.) Well this moment of glory didn’t last long, I sat down waiting for the boss who was to interview me. I was told he was on his way. I refreshed my mind with the “company” information and all as I waited. My girl was also chatting me and sending me any helpful information she could get. I had some painful moments; backache, cramps, I could pause and take breaths holding my abdomen and lower back as I closed my eyes. Weirdly cramps make me sit in very awkward positions for some slight relieve… suddenly boom! I open my eyes and a middle aged, serious looking Indian guy is standing right in front of me.

That was the boss. He introduced himself and was holding what looked like my printed CV and a diary. He sat across and just like that started interviewing me. “Tell me about yourself…” I answered what I could in between pauses trying to suppress some vomit that I could feel coming and also calming my racing thoughts. “Smile!” Well I don’t know how ridiculous I was looking, he’d tell better but I couldn’t wait for all this to be over! I could feel my body soaking with sweat as I tried to tackle the questions. I mentioned to the guy at some point that I’m unwell and I wasn’t feeling well at the moment. He looked at me briefly then carried on and we were done in like 10 minutes i think. That was that! I rushed to the washroom immediately. To throw up yes but also to sigh and freshen up and to have my moment of relieve. Flat shoes back on then I found my way out…

Even if you feel weak or powerless against the battles you face everyday you are incredibly strong for living through them. Again, find your people and keep them close because when you are at your lowest, those people get you through. Always super grateful for my support system and my tribe. Some of these practical and Simple methods help me push on despite my conditions and the never ending triggers allover. There’s a clear change in the way I feel and live my life. A day at a time.

#copingmechanisms #mentalhealth #polarwarrior #endowarrior #anxiety #superheropose #hope #gratitude #supportsystem

Musings 2020

An unexpected morning, a musical surprise for all bringing a luscious climate and chilling weather after very hot temperatures in Nairobi this past month. I live for long sunny days; all the summer outfits, short shorts, florals, leg days offs, popsicles, outdoors, random swims, naturally filtered selfies, sunsets, clear skies, starry skies and full moons (sometimes like now,that look so romantic). Again 2020 and it’s surprises! As of yesterday no one could have guessed it would be a grey and wet day? I was to write either way, I was. This weather just made it conducive.

I’m Ok What a year! We can all agree that we’ve learned something new about ourselves and about the world. Life will probably never be the same again after a year like this one, 2020! Do you have time for a Novella?… I will try and summarize my highlights as we mark the end of this year. Even with everything that i do now, it is very important to me to always know where I am with my mental health and how I feel. I stopped feeling like I owe you all posts after pledging to be posting regularly… well I have been exploring other ways to tell/share my stories. ( refer to indescribable terrors post) . This year started off with some really weird vibes that spilled over

Continue reading Musings 2020

“She – Stories”

This week we are celebrating women and I chose to highlight women In their most vulnerable and desperate moments that turn into triumphs. Gents! Keep reading and just marvel at how great we are 😊…

Lau: After we broke up, he started to stalk me…

Achi: Now I stand up to him when he gives orders

Luna: Then overtime, sex became more important to him than being together…

Rose: He pushed me into prostitution.

Lena : I married an abusive man who had a severe drinking problem…

Kate: I felt like a dog in a chain and I couldn’t get off…

Ciku: The more I stayed the more it destroyed my self esteem…

Wema: I looked into the eyes of my baby girl and knowing that she watched every bit, it helped me to be able to see the truth…

Gigi: I believed he wanted to change. We even went for counseling together!

Sumi: It took me a lot of false starts, but eventually I stepped out of an abusive relationship.

Mama C: When his violence became much worse and was being directed to the children, I changed!

Chep: I thought it was just the usual, you know, painful cramps… Didn’t know my mensus will bring me all this horror repeatedly…

Lina: For me anxiety affects me differently. I ended up struggling in utter silence. I have selective Mutism.

Frida: This unplanned baby made managing my stress difficult. I couldn’t breastfeed, I was sad, scared and overwhelmed all the damn time!

Soni: I felt a kind of relief on one hand and then just Lost! I had done something that I knew was going to change my life forever…

Mami: I was just 19. My partner wasn’t the ideal person, wasn’t financially stable, I had just joined Uni and I have always feared motherhood.

Fema: I feel the need to look perfect all the time. I am not sure where this obsession comes from but social media definitely makes it worse.

Anna: From outside my life looks great but inside I was struggling. I felt a lot of pressure to be a perfect mom. I felt lost and had no confidence in my ability to raise my boys in a way that was right for me.

Nina: I’m quite critical of myself as a single parent . Always trying to portray online and to family that I got this!

Sue: I told myself let me sleep with him one more time for my rent, then came other needs and this life I wanted to have so bad!

Jemma: I am lankier and less busty than most girls my age. Sometimes I still feel unattractive and have the worst image of myself…

Moni: I realized that my skin isn’t the problem, it was other people’s perceptions.

Koki: I used to try and cover them all up with layers of foundation and edit them out of pictures…

Samantha: some days I wake up and think I look really good, and other days I think I look like a guy…

Liza: Finding my own personal style has been the best thing for my self esteem.

Fina: I am constantly frustrated and frazzled , and to be honest angry that having kids and a career is still such a heroic feat.

Zoe: I built a nursery adjacent to my office for my valued staff.

Jen: I needed a private, non bathroom place to express breast milk for my nursing child. Now my husband has considered this for their new working space.

Akich: I don’t know how many days I was laying there. The pain was horrible, I was tied up and couldn’t move. I couldn’t urinate. My genitals were all swollen and hurt all the time.

Yua: To be sure excision has not yet vanished from our area, but it has lost the magic of former times. I do not want others to lose their sisters in this terrible way like a lovely flower that was destroyed for no reason…

Mia: 8 rounds of Chemo, mum duties, work, 5 and a half weeks of radio therapy. Right before it started falling, my hair hurt…

Mia: Especially if you have a family history of breast cancer, have mammograms before you turn 40.

Koi: I still cry but I don’t allow my status to stop me from working towards my goals in life.

Mary: My greatest fear after my husband died was that I would be alone. It was hard seeing my children grow up and go out on their own but I eventually accepted it. I have come to terms with the way things are.

These and many others are the risks faced by millions of women everyday around the world. Women of all ages, social classes and cultures. Mental health problems affect women and men equally but some are more common to women. Various social factors put women at greater risk of poor mental health than men. However, women’s readiness to talk about their feelings and their strong social networks help to protect their mental health.

Thabaka: It is nothing special. I know a lot of people suffer in silence and I’ve got to step up and stand for something. The thing about having Bipolar Disorder for me is that I’m really Empathetic.

You are special, you are unique, you can’t be changed.

Above all, be the heroine of your life not the victim – Nora Ephron.

#internationalwomensday #internationalwomensweek #celebratingwomen #sheroes #women #mentalhealth #mentalstability #abuse #vulnerability #strength

Indescribable Terrors

Referring to “Musings” I feel like I owe you all an explanation after pledging allegiance to my Mental wellness and of course the resolutions! We only on the 3rd month and this year already feels so overwhelming! January wore us all out with the weird weather and Tragedies. That weird vibe spilled over to February…

But this is the problem. When a toxin to our productivity gets into the creative blood stream, it must be flushed out. The way we do this is not by treating the syndrome but acknowledging the real disease.

Here’s the Truth: The very nature of writing incorporates uncertainty, experimentation and a willingness to create art from the depths of who we are. Writing is a mentally challenging situation which requires more hardcore, cognitive expenditure than many other lines of work. I have embraced the fact that writing is not for sissies (especially when it comes to me writing on my mental health journey- I have to dig deep and re-live what I was going through at a particular point then write) It’s never as easy! Even though it is natural and fairly predictable, this is why I am breaking my spell and I am getting my writing back on track. I reached a point where I lost my way and was veering off into unforeseen directions.

At some point my passion waned. It happens because writing requires immersion. Thinking about it, crafting it, dreaming about it, obsessing about it. My brain might have been on overload or just bored! I also discarded some very simple projects at that stage, lamenting that I lost juice to keep me going. Were my expectations to high? Expecting perfection when I have to write whatever? … The more pressure I put on myself the more my Anxiety level rises and the more writing became a signal of danger.

Few of us have the luxury of being free from distractions. Too many things on my mind that have to be done. Bills! How to get the money to pay up (refer to “No man is an island” post to learn of these struggles). When these distractions mount it’s often easier and more productive to just stop writing and to go on with my life, to do whatever it is that is causing me pressured. Unless you are just one of those rare birds who always writes no matter what, you will experience a time in your life when it is impossible to keep up a writing schedule. People get sick, people are job searching, children need extra attention, parents do too, emergency situations and so on. I am here not berating myself

I haven’t been journaling consistently as well but I have been writing small small vignettes here and there on sticky note pads and sticking them on my boards and allover my room, well, here they are paying off. I decided to be patient and kind towards my writing self until my situation changes. I realized the less I fret and put a negative spin on it, the more small pockets of time might open up. Subconsciously I must recognise that this is important work hence the need to self sabotage. So when I realize this I am encouraged, excited, even it means I’m doing something that matters.

“Your output depends on having a system in place that makes productivity not probable but inevitable.” – Jeff Goins.

#writing #writer’sblock #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #gratitude.